Remember the post I wrote on Traveling through the pain to peace called “The rejection”? Your post today with the song and dance (not familiar with who she is) was fabulous. I read every word and listened to the song to the end. That was how I felt after driving 3000 miles to live with this man off campus. Remember (“The rejection”), I get there and he’s changed his mind. I say “Are you seeing someone”? He say’s “no”, and I say” So what?, what is it?”. He sits there rubbing his chin. “You could have told me this before I drove 3000 miles!”. Now people in the restaurant are looking at us and I’m tired as hell, I’m visiting devastation, and now he simply puts his hand over mine. I pull away and say, ” I want an answer now”, or something close to that. The people in the restaurant are quiet pretending not to look but listening intently. They want to see how this turns out.
I’m getting more angry and tears start streaming down my face, he say’s “I’m sorry babe”, “I just don’t want to be committed to anyone right now” I couldn’t believe my ears, “and you couldn’t tell me this on the phone”? “You mean person, I said, “so what am I supposed to do now, take a nap and go back home”? “Well, I’m not doing it”, “I can’t” and the tears came again. “No, no Linda”, he said, “I have a place you can stay until you decide what you want to do”, he quietly said this, no touching now. I said “So it’s Linda now huh?, you mean person”, I said, “I love you, I thought you loved me”, “I do”, he said “it’s just that my career is going in a good direction and I don’t want any distractions”. Finally an explanation and hope, he does still love me.
It was a false hope, I’d go on campus to see him, and he’d be like “what are you doing here”? It seemed he hurt me more each time I saw him. My favorite songs were REO Speedwagon, I don’t have it anymore but it was a top hit something like “if you been messing around on me”. I would be riding down the highway singing those songs in my 1990 mustang (red of course), music blaring to wipe out the pain and of course it’s the same as drinking your cares away except you can pull yourself together when you get to work.
It wasn’t until his friend said to me “You talk about him like your married, and your not even his girlfriend”! That hit me like a ton of bricks, and I had to admit it was true. He said “Linda he doesn’t care about you or anyone else, he cares about Kevin”. I started to cry and began to sob as he took me in his arms. We were in my car in front of my motel room. He said “Come on, let’s go inside and talk” I was so beaten down at this point I didn’t care about Linda anymore. I was worthless, stupid, what about that funny feeling you had in the pit of your stomach when you left?, why didn’t you listen to it? I didn’t listen because it was too late, I had no job here now, my job was waiting for me in Washington. It was a done deal.
When we got in the motel room you know what happened, I really just wanted to be held but I didn’t bother to stop his advances. What’s the point, I just want to be loved right now anyway I can get it. When it was over the thoughts ran through my head again, worthless and stupid, stupid, I asked him to leave and I didn’t go to work for 2 days. I hated the job too. It was during those 2 days I realized I was starting over in Seattle.
So see we’re similar in our stories, were you born in July? Lol, we all grieve a little differently but I had to find me all over again and decide what I had learned. I learned to listen to the still small voice saying wait a minute, something’s not right. I didn’t have a relationship with Jesus then, I believed in God of course but my journey with God started here, realizing God was speaking to me, warning me but I liked the fairy tale better. For once I don’t even have advise except trust the process. Your on that journey Sarah, reach out to the God that made you and be quiet and see if anything comes back that you didn’t purposely think of. That’s probably God.
I read all your posts girl, and I’m going to be here when you break through to the other side. If I did, you will too. I love you, take care.